broke not broken

with nothing but time on my hands, i give you my thoughts

straight outta jersey January 9, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — starrwitness @ 9:04 pm

I am in San Francisco. It’s January, but I’m wearing shorts. It feels like a perfect April day in New Jersey. Slightly overcast sky, a breeze but behind the chill is warm air. I am coping. Wavering between finding a new level of happiness and slipping into a familiar melancholy- longing, worrying, aching. Both are scary.

It’s good to be back here, but that sounds so hollow.  It’s more that I have no where else to be.  My parents no longer live in my childhood home, I don’t have an apartment in Boston, I’m not surrounded by my things in this city.  I’m here….  And that pretty much says it all.  I’m here.

I have ideas about how I would like my life to be.  I see a sunny white kitchen with a nook for a couch.  I see myself happily making an omlette, listening to music.  Somewhere cozy, warm, ideal.  I imagine familiarity.  After four months of upheaval, the one thing I would take comfort in is having a space for myself.

Although I am surrounded by friends and friendly people, I am distinctly doing this alone.  Trying to reshape my life, but not sure what form it should take yet.  There are endless possibilities tree-branching in all directions.  This requires making choices, which I’ve never been good at.  I can make a rash decision, but a conscious choice is much more difficult.  It requires weighing options, and being a real adult about the consequences of my actions.  Ah ha, this is what adulthood is.